When you don’t want to read the Bible

When I first started trying to learn to read the Bible and pray to God, I noticed I didn’t really want to. This was before I totally surrendered my life to Jesus on the mountains that day.

I was seeking God, sort of, and knew I needed something more in my life. Tormented by the imbalances of PCOS in my life. Tormented by the dark and lonely thoughts. I started slowly inching towards the Lord.

But I did so cautiously, not fully knowing or believing the abundant love God had for me.

I want to want to

During this dark season, my mom took me to hear Beth Moore speak up in Denver. I’ll never forget how she laid down flat on the stage and said, “Oh God! If I only spent as much time reading the Bible as I do fixing and fussing with my hair!” I thought this woman is crazy… and I love her! (That’s a big conclusion for a jaded depressed high school girl!)

But the biggest impression she made on me was when she said the simplest but most profound statement I’d ever heard up that point.

Beth Moore said,

“When I don’t want to read God’s Word, I tell the Lord:

‘I want to want to.’”

Where strivings cease

It was most likely the first time it occurred to me that I don’t have to do this on my own, with my own will, gumption, or resolve. That was back before I gave my whole self and my everything to Jesus. Back when everything was striving for me. Back before the release of surrender.

I think that was also the first time it ever occurred to me that I can be totally honest with God about where I’m at. There is no pretense or performing in a prayer like that. It’s just real and gut-honest and there was something about Ms. Beth’s authenticity that made me think, “Ok. I can give this a shot.”

I’m eternally grateful I did! And wow, how He answered that prayer! To the point that I devoured His Word and couldn’t get enough of time with Him less than a year after praying this first prayer.

Being honest with God

The glorious thought—that God could help me want to want to be in His Word and pray and talk with Him! It  was the first time I wondered, “Maybe God could help me with anything and everything?”

For example, if I really really wanted to emotionally eat, maybe He could help me want to want to turn to Him instead? So I began to ask God (who I still kept at arm’s length at that time) the most simple and powerful first prayer, “God, I don’t really want to spend time with you, but will you help me want to want to?”

It was one inch towards God that began to prepare my heart to fling wide and give Him my all.

Maybe you are at that place today too, where you’re keeping God at bay, yet you still want to want to see what He’s like. Just ask Him…

“Lord, I’ll be honest. I don’t really want to spend time with you or in your Word today, but help me want to want to.”

Selah.