Overcoming Memorial Day as a Military Survivor

I’ve spent way too much of my life in memorial services for loved ones. And I’ve spent way too much of my life thinking about these events. I’ve decided memorials services are not for the dead, but for the living. They are for those of us left behind. A gift, however painful. A chance to grieve in community and not alone in the closet floor. A chance to remember and laugh about our loved one’s quirks. A chance to hear stories of the way they loved, and cry remembering just how good they were to you. But Memorial Day has it’s own quirks and I want to just candidly process those today. This hopefully is insightful for those of you with no military connection.  I also want to offer, not a fix-all solution, nor an in-depth tutorial, but a quick reminder of what’s true and how you can overcome Memorial Day as a military survivor.

Memorial Day: Before and After

I remember Memorial Day before and after I lost my husband in the service. Before, it was a tremendous blessing to have my husband home for the day. A rare joy! We spent it with friends and community and felt loved and grateful for our nation. I had no personal connection to those who died in service, and while I had a big heart for them and their families, it’s hard to connect to an ethereal person you’ve never met. Maybe that’s you today too? If so, please read this article: Memorial Day: An insightful, gracious essay by an American Military Widow.

On Armed Forces Day, we honor those who are currently in service. On Veteran’s Day, we honor those who served. And on Memorial Day, we honor those who died while serving or who ever served. All lay down their lives the minute they sign up to serve in one way or another. So on Memorial day, who do we actually honor? Yes, those who died, but they are not here anymore to receive any of the honor. So really, it’s more like a memorial service. It’s a chance to support the ones they left behind. Best case scenario, it’s a chance to grieve and laugh and remember the fallen soldier **in community** for a surviving spouse, child, parent, sibling, comrade, best friend, or grandparent. Worst case scenario, it’s a time for surviving families to spend painfully alone knowing that their buddies are having picnics and BBQs and they weren’t invited. For real.

Surviving families and comrades of the fallen remember 24/7 every day of the year. They don’t need a day set aside for this really. These memories intrude when least wanted. Often in the form of PTSD. And so Memorial Day becomes a trigger for the things that haunt constantly anyways.

And the remaining 98% of America likely has no connection to a fallen soldier or even the loved ones they left behind. I’m just processing here. I’m just thinking out loud. The surviving comrades and families often feel the grief and trauma even stronger on this day, and it’s just salt in the wound knowing everyone else is playing on the lake and celebrating the day off and kicking off summer.

I share this with no salt in my tone. No bitterness. I just share this because it’s reality.

So if you are one of the few who has lost a loved one who served in the military, what do we do? How do we tackle this day?

Overcoming Survivor’s Guilt

Survivor’s guilt is real, but it does not have to be your ball and chain for the remainder of your days. That’s not what your family wants for you, nor the one you lost. We aren’t created to live our lives with guilt and condemnation. Survior’s guilt is a form of self-hate. It’s also a choice to partner with the spirit of death.

I know it’s not exactly this simple, but I’ve experienced this myself. And I had to choose. I had to choose to partner with life and I had to stop letting the spirit of death try to kill me just because it already took out my loved one.

Jesus can deliver you from any and every affliction. And survivor’s guilt is included. We do have a choice in the matter though. The spirit of death also speaks lies and tells us it should’ve been us dying instead. And we can choose to believe this lie or not. Do not let the spirit of death try to take you out as well. I know you may think it’s not that simple, but part of our deliverance is our choice to partner with the Voice of Truth. The truth is… your life matters, your future matters, the pain you suffered and the grief you’ve endured can shape you into a compassionate humble generous person, and you are designed to live an abundant life full of gratitude (not guilt) for every breath you are given.

Overcoming Bitterness and Victimization

Another way we can tackle Memorial Day victoriously is to not tolerate a victim mentality. We don’t want to give our thoughts over to any bitter, unforgiving, or victimized thought. It’s easy to do and easy to be tempted to do. But don’t. Bitterness and victimization will not bring any kind of revenge on happy people while you are grieving. All it will do is sour your own heart.

Often, we have to just be honest that it hurts us that we are dying inside while most of the nation is celebrating summer. Lamenting to God is simply being honest with Him about what hurts. Sometimes, all I need is to lament my loss and my situation, trust that God hears my cries, and when I feel seen by the Lord, sometimes that is all I need to go on with my day and turn it around.

Overcoming Trauma

PTSD is talked about like a death sentence. And the reality is, it has been for many of the spouses of dear friends of mine. For perspective, suicide has killed over 30,000 service members since 9/11. Service members who died in combat is just over 7,000.

Most in the military have come to believe the lie that PTSD is irreversible. It’s like a living hell inside your body and mind. But again, this can be healed. PTSD is real but Post-Traumatic Growth is just as real. And true deliverance and total healing is also real and available in Jesus Christ. He came to set the captives free. I’ve seen many delivered from trauma and it’s horrific effects on daily life and the body and mind.

There are lots of physiological ways we can help the brain and heart heal from trauma. Here are a few that are free and easily accessible. Play is also the body’s way of healing from grief and trauma. And spiritually, there are ways we can conquer the spirit of trauma as well. It’s like any other demon… it has to bow and flee by the authority of Jesus. It’s often a real battle to get there, or sometimes deliverance can happen in a moment. But fight the fight because your one life matters more than you have an idea. Don’t let death of comrade or loved on take you out too.

I know way too many families who are tormented by trauma. This little article today isn’t meant to try to offer a simple easy solution, nor is it meant to be comprehensive, but I do hope that it strengthens your hope. A lot of this is a spiritual battle and it is a battle of taking our thoughts captive too. It’s not an easy battle, but fight it. We need you. And trauma is a spirit that you can be delivered from in Jesus’ mighty name.

Like I said, this is not a book or fix-all on how to overcome all these things. But a quick encouragement and reminder that there are ways to overcome the extra pain that Memorial Day brings. We are given life and breath today. Even though that might have been stolen from our loved ones, they don’t want us to live our lives perpetually dying inside. We’re meant to live life to the fullest, and we can, even if sorrow and trauma is part of our history.