The Importance of Saying a Good Goodbye

I’ve been observing how people leave when it’s time to go for years and years now. As a military family, I watched other families in their leaving and I’ve paid attention to our own. Some left well. Others, sadly not so well. So here are a few things I’ve learned over the years about the importance of saying a good goodbye. These insights apply to leaving a house, a job, a volunteer position, a prayer or missionary assignment, a church, or a cross-country move.

Don’t Burn Bridges.

I’ve seen many people do this. It’s like they realize their old bridges and familiar back and forth paths aren’t going to be there once they move on so they just burn the whole thing down. This is self-sabotage and it’s destructive. You can keep the bridges between where you are going and where you’ve been. You can keep relationships alive and healthy even if you’re not in that group of neighbors, coworkers, or church goers on the day to day anymore.

We have still gone back to visit old neighbors, connected with old coworkers, and still pray with some of our old church family members on the regular. I have seen some who act like if you don’t attend their church anymore, they’ll have nothing to do with you. This is not God’s heart. That’s more like the heart of an insecure middle grade girl. Let’s be more mature than that, yes?

If you’re not the one leaving, but someone you hold dear is called to a new assignment, let them go with your blessing and grace. You seriously never know when God will reconnect you later down the road.

Don’t Leave Too Soon.

Live where you live until you don’t anymore. I’ve seen so many families just not go to church once they get orders for their new assignment. They pull back and don’t engage anymore. Don’t do this. Live where you live until you’re gone. Keep pouring out and connecting with your people.

We ran into a family we hadn’t seen for six months and were like, “Hey! Where have yall been??” And they said, “Well when we got orders, we stopped coming to church.” It broke my heart because that equals six months of isolation and cutting themselves off when they could’ve pressed in and forged even deeper friendships and support. You truly never know how God can loop your story back into someone else’s later. And He seems to delight to do so. Allow Him that glory and opportunity.

Make New Friends.

Even be open to making new friends right up to the end. Blooming where you’re planted means just that. And until you officially are transplanted, keep your roots in the healthy soil you’re in.

My favorite story of not leaving too soon is meeting Krystal our very last Sunday at church before we PCS’d. (That’s military speak for “moving again.”) She was dear and new in town. We invited Krystal to our farewell lunch with our closest friends we’d held dear for years and years. We all shared a beautiful anointed meal together in our home. One we all remember to this day. I write about it here in Grief and Reverberation.

Would you believe it? After all these years, Krystal has become one of my sweetest friends. I literally met her on her first day back and our last there. So always keep your heart open for a new friend, even when you are leaving.

Say Your Goodbyes.

Even if you don’t actually say, “Goodbye,” then say “See you later” or “See you tomorrow” as my friend Anna Flavia prefers. She was my roommate from college, on exchange student program from Brazil. She quickly became like a sister to me in our 4 months together. But when it was time to say goodbye, she said she can’t bare it. “Let’s say, ‘See you tomorrow,’ instead.” Regardless of our word choices, she braved a true goodbye and hugged me. We thought we would never see each other again.

Wonder of wonders, I ended up in her hometown less than a year later!! Neither of us saw that coming. And without any idea, my professor assigned HER FAMILY to be my host family!! It was the sweetest surprise God could’ve given me! That time, we hugged goodbye and said, “See you tomorrow” and thought surely this was truly our last goodbye.

Nope! I’ve seen her too many times to count since then! Who knew?! God’s so kind that we both got to meet each other’s husbands and children and celebrate life and eat cherries and brigadeiro together many times since. And now we say, “See you tomorrow!” when we part ways with full confidence and joy, looking forward to the next surprise time we’ll get to see each other again!

It’s Harder to Not Say Goodbye.

But we’ve also had friends who didn’t want to say goodbye. And honestly, one young man that lived with us didn’t want to say goodbye banking on seeing us in just a few weeks on a family vacation. But no. We said this is important and we made time for a nice meal and a good goodbye when we moved away. None of us knew we’d be losing Dan before that trip happened. So saying those goodbyes and saying them well is so important from every angle and for every reason.

I can only think of one time where I didn’t get to say a good goodbye. It was with someone I connected with in an airport, and have loved dearly with my thoughts and prayers ever since. But I left in a flurry, and didn’t get to say goodbye.

We can grieve the goodbye itself, but somehow grieving the absence of a good goodbye is harder. I liken this to the people who I loved so dearly where I was prevented from going to their funerals, both times because my kids were very very sick with fevers. My Uncle Tom. My best friend’s baby Sam. My Uncle Fred. And so many others. It’s harder when we don’t get to say goodbye.

When It’s Time to Go.

So when it’s time to go, leave well.

Ms Kate, my dear friend and neighbor, said she’s had so many neighbors leave and not even say goodbye over the years. She’s been in the same house 40 plus years and seen the neighborhood turn over.

Goodbyes honor those we love.

Sometimes, people don’t say goodbye because they think it will create more grief. But I tell you, say your goodbyes well. Because leaving without a goodbye just adds to the heartache for everyone.

In the same way, go to the funeral. It’s good for your heart and for those hosting the funeral. It doesn’t add to the grief. It lets the grief wash through you.

We are made for connection, and what most people can’t see is that a good goodbye keeps connection strong. Not vice versa.

If this resonates with you today, read more on Grief and Reverberation. It’s quite possibly one of my very favorite teachings and stories to share. I’d love to hear your thoughts as you process this one today.

“See you tomorrow!”